Sit down. No, seriously. Are you sitting down? I have good news and bad news. The good news? They're making a Speed Racer videogame! The bad news? They're making Speed Racer into a videogame. I'm worried that this precious license -- let's be honest, the crown jewel of both Eastern and Western cultural output -- may not be given proper videogame justice.

But first, allow me to set the mood.

With that out of the way, let's get down to details. Speed Racer is not about the Wachowski brothers making cars do Kung Fu. If Speed Racer was meant to be cool, it wouldn't be called "Speed Racer." That's like calling a TV show "Punch Fighter" or "Delivery Mailman." Speed Racer is cool because of camp. When I was in gradeschool I'd watch the show religiously every morning, Pop-Tart in hand, shaking my tiny head going "I can't believe this is on TV." Later, in college, the floor of my dormitory would get together to watch the show every afternoon, chanting "Slut! Slut! Slut!" whenever Trixie would walk onto the screen with her flippy little hair. The show is about as serious as clowns punching crotches.



Yeah, I'll come out and say it: I've got no faith in Warner Bros. to make this license into a videogame I'd want to play, not from what little we've heard about it so far. C'mon guys! Let's not try to make the most ridiculous part of my childhood cool. Let me feel like a kid again! I would respectfully suggest an Xbox Live online multiplayer game with the following characteristics:

• Cel-shaded animations.
• Ridiculous retro-future cars with customizable color-schemes.
• When you say something into your Xbox Live headset, your audio is recorded, then played back through your character at higher speed with all pauses removed. Your character's mouth should not come even close to synchronizing.
• A narrator should constantly announce your every action, also neglecting to pause or display any emotion aside from barely constrained excitement.
• You can change your car's handling and acceleration by selecting different little brothers and animals to stow away in your trunk.
• Gizmos. Gizmos. Gizmos.
• At the start of each match, there's a 50% chance one of the other players is secretly your long-lost brother. This will be announced by the announcer in a single rapid-fire burst of barely contained excitement: "LITTLEDOESSPEEDRACERKNOWTHATRACERXIS ACTUALLYHISLONGLOSTBROTHER..."
• Bonus points if you save your long-lost-brother's life during the race.
• After every race, your score is read aloud to you by your angry dad in a scolding tone.
• And this is the most important rule: If your car loses control, you can regain your traction and even get a speed boost if you yell "Oooaaahhh!" into your Xbox Live headset.
• When this maneuver is properly executed, your Slutty girlfriend will yell "Oh Speed!" from the sidelines.

In fact, Warner Bros... You can have that idea. From me to you. Royalty free. Just make the game!

      -Fargo